Welcome to Gifted With ADD

by Margit Crane on May 4, 2015

 

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3 Reasons Why “Do Your Best” is Terrible Advice

by Margit Crane on April 26, 2015

 

"WAHOOOOOO! I did my best" said no one ever.

I am so sick of the phrase, “Do your best.” And I also can’t stand the qualifier, “And your best will change from day to day.” Here’s why:

1. It’s pretty much an insult, not an encouragement.

People don’t usually say, “Do your best.” They actually say, “Just do your best,” or “You only have to do your best,” which is really saying, “You’re not going to do as great as you want to do and you’re not going to do as great as we want you to do, but we’ll settle for your best.” Like there’s actually something better than your best! “Do your best” is something that’s said when people aren’t at their best. It’s supposed to be encouraging, but I’ve never seen or heard anyone say, “OH! All I have to do is my best? Piece of cake. I’ve got this. Thanks, I feel so much better.” Instead, when people hear, “Just do your best,” they’re more like, “I’m such a loser that I have to be told to do my best.”

"Make it STOP!"

2. It’s too vague and this causes overwhelm.

When we say, “Just do your best,” to what are we referring? Best score? Best behavior? Best sitting still? Best not complaining? Best not admitting I’m afraid? Best trying to appear normal? When you tell me to do my best, what does that mean to you? If you don’t tell me, I can certainly make up a list of things I think you mean, and all of them seem impossible, despite what you say. Plus, if you have ADHD, you’re probably thinking, “You don’t even know what my best is! My best is not that great.” Or, “I’m not wasting my best on this little thing. I’m saving my best for the big stuff.”

"Bleh"

3. It’s a self put-down masquerading as consolation. (More like consolation prize than consolation).

The person who was advised to do his or her best usually comes away saying, “Oh well, I did the best I could do,” with such a sad face and a defeated tone. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I had a great experience because all I had to do was my best!” What I hear is, “I didn’t do that great but I did my best,” which is just a horrible thing to think about yourself. Basically you’re saying, “I’M not that great.” At least that’s the interpretation. Or what about that other line, “Your best will change from day to day.” Seriously, that’s an invitation to do a crappy job for someone with ADHD. LOL. “Oh well, my best wasn’t very good today.” The more those opportunities arise–to get out of doing a good job because your best isn’t that great at any given moment–the more your son or daughter experiences a bunch of “low expectation days.”

Saying, “Do your best” is a de-motivator.

How does a parent turn this de-motivator into something comforting, motivating, and strengthening? What should you say instead? Well, allow me to tell you a quick story about something that happened to me: I was going in for surgery and this very nice woman was checking me in. She said, “Good luck!” and I said, “I don’t need luck!” She said, “Oh, well then, GOOD LOVE.” I love that and I like to use that. I tell people, “You don’t need luck, so good love.”

I also say, “I hope it’s a good experience for you,” or “Have fun!” depending on the situation. And I don’t ask, “Did you do your best?” Instead I ask, “How do you feel about how you did?” and we just deal with what is. Sometimes my best is just taking one small step and knowing that that’s okay. Understanding your own emotions and processing those emotions is infinitely more important for your child’s development and happiness than doing his or her best.

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xoxoxo, Margit

Copyright 2015 Margit Crane All Rights Reserved

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What ADHD Gets Right About Play, and What We Do Wrong

April 12, 2015

Those of us who parent or work with kids with ADHD know that recess is important, but Seattle ADHD Coach, Margit Crane Luria, thinks we should think bigger than that!

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It Takes a Focused Mind to Nurture a Focused Mind

April 5, 2015

ADHD parenting often involves paying attention not only to the ADHD but also to OCD, Bi-Polar disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Dyslexia, and more. Seattle ADHD Coach, Margit Crane, discusses where to focus your attention, as a parent, when there’s more going on with your child than just ADHD.

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What Does “50 Shades of Grey” Have to Do with ADHD?

March 3, 2015

With all the hoopla about “50 Shades of Grey,” I had to wonder about the effect the movie would have on ADHD kids (older kids). The thing that troubles me the most is that, although the two characters are, essentially stereotypes, these are two character portrayals that we ought to talk about with our kids (again, older kids). This is a post about having the sex talk(s) with your ADHD children. What is going to be different and perhaps more difficult about having sex or waiting for sex for ADHD teens and young adults?*

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Parenting Fantasies Undermine Enjoyment of Our ADHD Families

February 23, 2015

To be sure, having an ADHD child affects the whole family. Too often, though, parents will attach themselves the fantasy of “the perfect family,” and whether they embrace the Brady’s or the Conner’s, they create a negative fantasy for themselves in which they can never catch up, never slow down, never be good enough.

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5 Tips for Communicating with ADHD Teens

February 17, 2015

Tweet Pin It       1. Come to a conversation to connect not to control 2. Instead of sitting down for conversations, look for individual moments to state your thoughts, opinions, or reactions. 3. Have “No Texting Time” 4. Yelling is ineffective 5. Practice “Fearless Listening”(TM) ==================== Like this post and want more interaction? [...]

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3 Tips to Eliminate ADHD Parenting Guilt in 2015

December 30, 2014

Tweet Pin It   I don’t know a parent that doesn’t have some guilt about something, somewhere, sometime. It might be something that happened a while ago or it might be something that happened recently. It seems to be part of parenting, which is a shame. Parenting is tough – we need to admit this. [...]

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The #1 Secret to Productivity When You Have ADHD

December 16, 2014

If you don’t have ADHD and your child/teen does, you may not understand why, when given a list of things to do or even when given one thing to do, there’s no movement. “Get up! Get going! It’s really not that hard!” you may be thinking (or saying).

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Taking the CRAZY Out of ANY Family Celebration

December 10, 2014

Tweet Pin It   With Christmas and Hanukkah approaching, we tend to forget that there are many other occasions to gather as a family. In some families, the Sabbath is a weekly celebration; and what about birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestones in our lives. When you’re together as a family, stuff happens! Most families experience [...]

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