3 Tips to Eliminate ADHD Parenting Guilt in 2015

by Margit Crane on December 30, 2014

 

I don’t know a parent that doesn’t have some guilt about something, somewhere, sometime. It might be something that happened a while ago or it might be something that happened recently. It seems to be part of parenting, which is a shame. Parenting is tough – we need to admit this. Anyone who says it’s not tough should be banished from our presence. They have no idea what they’re talking about.

ADHD parenting is even harder.

It’s supremely challenging to parent children who some people think just need:

  • a spanking
  • better parents
  • medication
  • more prayer
  • less sugar
  • and more…

But we don’t have to buy into this and I see way too many parents who are in defensive mode by default.

Standing up for your child

The war to champion your ADHD children will be won through patience and understanding, not by building a fortress around your children or yourself. We need to let go of the model of parenting from fear. We need to let go of the fears we have about raising ADHD children.

Certainly there are those who would criticize and belittle you but I notice that there are parents who criticize and belittle themselves to such an extent that they believe that they are surrounded by turmoil and trouble, and they don’t see that they have control over this because a good chunk of it comes from themselves.

YOU are the key to ending your guilt.

I know for sure that there are people reading this who are ticked off at me right now. I assure you that I hold nothing against you. I think you’re brave for reading this blog post, and I’m one of the safest, most compassionate people you’ll meet when it comes to parenting your ADHD child.

The fact that I have techniques that work better than the techniques you’re using that aren’t working is not a criticism, and you don’t have to take it as a criticism. Parenting an ADHD child or teen isn’t something that just comes naturally; it is a learned skill. Expecting you to be a near-perfect mom is just plain mean. I don’t think you’re the cause of your child’s challenges, even if you also have ADHD.

What I DO think is that YOU ARE THE SOLUTION.

Eliminate the Guilt and Shame

Tip 1

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Especially with ADHD, comparisons are worthless. There are so many variables! ADHD occurs differently in everybody; all you have to focus on is what works for you and your family. Or, what works for your ADHD child. Some people homeschool, some take advantage of a free public education, and some pay for private schooling. There isn’t a best way to go. There’s only a best way for your child and your family.

Shame comes when we think we’re supposed to look a certain way. That’s a lie that’s keeping you unhappy. If your family is better this year than last, that’s good progress!

Tip 2

No future-tripping. As parents, we waver between the dream and the dread. We move from hope to discouragement and back again, sometimes several times a day. But while you’re doing all that, your children are right in front of you, wondering where you are that you’re so sad, so angry, so frustrated, so worried.

In Seattle, where I live, we call this “future tripping.” We worry needlessly about what will happen.

Now I know that it’s perfectly logical to draw a line from Hitting School Kids to Assault and Battery. It’s logical to draw a line from Failing Math to Flipping Burgers at a Fast Food Joint. But here’s the problem with that…

Life isn’t as predictable as we think, and we are not fortune tellers.

My client, Rosie, struggled with school a lot but her leadership skills were so strong that she got a scholarship to college.

Dylan also had trouble in school but he’s great with people and with mechanical things and he’s the manager of an automotive repair shop and rebuilds cars in his spare time. He’s 23.

Mike was not a top college student at age 18 so he got a job and has moved up the ranks in this same company since he was 19. At 35, he’s a top student now that he’s gone back to college.

Worrying about the future is pointless because we can’t predict all the wonderful things that can happen to our children. Obsessing about what our kids can’t do or can’t be doesn’t allow for growth and change. Our kids live in the present. Let’s live there with them.

Tip 3

Have fun. This is what you and your kids will fondly remember. It’s nice to stand up for your child, and it’s necessary too, but there needs to be FUN! More laughter and more silliness. More carefree moments and more living in the moment. Consistency is important for ADHD kids but so is fun. Let loose on a regular basis. Choose a night of the week when worrying is not allowed! Do a project together. Make a list of things to do around your city or town and do that. Invite people over. Let laughter and love reign in your home.

I know this all sounds simple and too good to be true but it’s not. This will work if you let it. Are you willing to try it? Do you want some support? Do you want to hear that your parenting is just fine the way it is?

I offer a free 45-minutes phone consultation. It might be time to try that out!

====================

Like this post and want more interaction? Check these out:

1. I’m on TwitterFacebook and Pinterest. I’m @GiftedWithADD

2. 45-minute free phone consultation. Schedule here.

3. If you haven’t gotten your copy of “Revolutionize Your ADHD Parenting in One Week,” grab a copy at this link.

4. Check out my new book, “Getting Schooled” – Great for ADHD families in the American public school system!

xoxoxo, Margit

Copyright 2014 Margit Crane All Rights Reserved

=======================

 

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare

{ 0 comments }

The #1 Secret to Productivity When You Have ADHD

by Margit Crane on December 16, 2014

 

If you don’t have ADHD and your child/teen does, you may not understand why, when given a list of things to do or even when given one thing to do, there’s no movement. “Get up! Get going! It’s really not that hard!” you may be thinking (or saying).

I’m considered to be very productive and disciplined about my work, but people can’t see what goes on inside my brain. There are days when I know exactly what to do and I do them. But there are days when I know exactly what to do and I just sit there. My brain fogs up and I start thinking from my more “primitive/meet my basic desires” lobe. “TeeeeeeeeeeVeeeeeeeee. Pumpkin pie. Call a friend. Go on Facebook. Read celebrity gossip.” I keep hoping that when I get these longings out of my system I’ll be ready to work.

As an adult with ADHD who has been coached and continues to receive coaching, that sometimes works. For example, I have a coaching call tomorrow so I know that I have to get done when I committed to do. But many times it doesn’t work at all and, try as they might, rarely does this tactic solve a child’s problem with productivity.

So let me start by sharing with you 3 things that DON’T work when you want your child to get a move on:

Poof! You're motivated now!

1. Waiting for an angel to come down, tap your child on the shoulder and inspire him/her to do the hard thing he/she doesn’t want to do. What do I mean by this? Motivation won’t come from on high. Rarely, for kids, does a “motivation wand” appear to “strike” them MOTIVATED! Don’t wait for maturity to solve the problem for you, either. That’s often how it works with personal grooming habits; that’s not how it works with motivation.

2. Work first, play later. As parents, we often forget that our kids have been working all day at school. We tell them “Chores/Homework comes first, then you can play.” What I recommend is some downtime. Natural downtime. No technology. A nap, some exercise, a healthy snack. The idea is to replenish their brain power not to deplete them even more, so no serious conversations, no nagging, and no siblings bugging them.

3. The “Knute Rockne talk.” Knute Rockne was a coach who said things like, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Yeah Knute? Well, #@*% you!” (I’m quoting someone with a potty mouth; not me, certainly). I hate all those clichéd phrases like:

  • Put your big girl panties on (and I hate the word “panties”)
  • Suck it up
  • Buck up, cowboy/girl
  • Just do it
  • No pain, no gain
  • Face the music
  • Take your lumps

Using condescension to motivate does not work (even when you use it on yourself). Don’t discourage your child. Be nice. Kindness works.

Okay. So what DOES work?

Just do the thing that’s in front of you to do. The next indicated thing. Just one thing at a time. And your child needs help, help them without doing it FOR them. (A good rule of thumb is: help them with the thing they can’t do themselves. For some kids, checking for answers on Google is easy. They’re fairly independent. For some, all they can do is sit at the computer and stare. But they can turn the computer on, they can type in Google, and maybe they really need you to help them with what to type in next. It’s okay to help; it’s not okay to do the work for them).

Now most people with ADHD have several things in their heads at once. Your children/teens may come home thinking about the sweetheart that broke up with them, the teacher that laughed at them, their touchdown they scored, and the Doritos they want to eat for a snack. When you interrupt that (and you will, from time to time, have to interrupt your child’s very full and complex thinking process), go easy on them. Realize that you’re interrupting and that it takes time for the brain to regroup. Then just worry about the next thing. Just the next thing.

Example of what not to do:

Your son comes home from school, stressed because there’s a test tomorrow. You tell him, “Get studying. You’re not going to pass the class if you don’t study. I don’t want to see another F.” Now he’s stressed about the test AND about pleasing you AND about passing the class, and about whether he’s a loser or not. (I know you didn’t call him a loser; just explaining how the ADHD mind often works). And, if he’s not stressing, he’s shutting down and shutting you out.

What to do instead:

Your son comes home from school, stressed because of a test tomorrow. You say, “Grab a snack and have a seat. You must need to relax a bit, I imagine.” Later, ask what you can do to help. If he says “Nothing,” you can respond, “Okay that’s fine. I’m happy to help if you need anything.”

And then let it be.

This is the hard part; your child needs to learn to ask for help. It is probably the most important skill I’ve ever learned. Now it’s okay to prompt your child: “Hey just checking. Anything I can do? Do you need an extra hand?”

Another prompt that often works is: “Okay I’m just downstairs. When you need help, come and find me and we can work on this together.” With that prompt you told him that you expect him to need help and that it’s okay. You didn’t say “If you need help,” but “when you need help.” That takes the pressure off.

The #1 secret to productivity?

Just do the thing in front of you to do and don’t worry about the other stuff. Despite what we like to think, it is impossible for the brain to multitask. It may jump around but you can only do one thing at a time.

====================

Like this post and want more interaction? Check these out:

1. I’m on TwitterFacebook and Pinterest. I’m @GiftedWithADD

2. 45-minute free phone consultation. Schedule here.

3. If you haven’t gotten your copy of “Revolutionize Your ADHD Parenting in One Week,” grab a copy at this link.

4. Check out my new book, “Getting Schooled” – Great for ADHD families in the American public school system!

xoxoxo, Margit

Copyright 2014 Margit Crane All Rights Reserved

=======================

 

 

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare

{ 0 comments }

Taking the CRAZY Out of ANY Family Celebration

December 10, 2014

Tweet Pin It   With Christmas and Hanukkah approaching, we tend to forget that there are many other occasions to gather as a family. In some families, the Sabbath is a weekly celebration; and what about birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestones in our lives. When you’re together as a family, stuff happens! Most families experience [...]

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

3 Tips to Help Your ADHD Family Manage the Holiday Season

December 8, 2014

Tweet Pin It   Ditch the stress by trying these 3 tips. Don’t let another holiday go down in the book of misery. You can lead your ADHD child to greatness and lead yourself to sanity! Tip #1: Seemingly “happy” transitions are still transitions. ADHD kids often have trouble transitioning from home to school to [...]

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

Does Your ADHD Child Rock or Just Pop?

November 29, 2014

Tweet Pin It   Are you the kind of family that looks good on the outside but is struggling on the inside? When there’s an ADHD kid in the house (or more than one. or one + a parent!) life can shake, rattle and roll. You know what I’m talking about! It’s hard to know [...]

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

End the Confusion! Get Your ADHD Child Ready to Rock 2015!

November 28, 2014

Tweet Pin It   Do you live on this block? Or way too close to this area? I used to live there. In fact, that was my childhood home. I spent pretty much my whole childhood and adolescence not feeling quite like I fit in. I knew I was different than my friends. I only [...]

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 27, 2014

Tweet Pin It   Wishing you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving (or a Happy Thursday, if you aren’t United-Statesian). XOXO  

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

Start 2015 With a BANG! Even If Your Child Has ADHD.

November 26, 2014

Tweet Pin It   This is a picture of: (a) Your brain exploding when your ADHD child tells you she hates you. (b) All your child sees when, yet again, he falls off the roof of your house. (c) Fireworks your tween set off, just before you had to race to the hospital. (d) A [...]

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

5 Ways to Get Your ADHD Child Ready to Rock in 2015!

November 25, 2014

Find out how to use this holiday season to give your ADHD child the gift of awesomeness with ADHD coach, Margit Crane!

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →

What I Learned About Living with ADHD from Disneyland’s Matterhorn Bobsleds

November 5, 2014

The Matterhorn Bobsleds at Disneyland are a metaphor for life and those dips when your stomach falls to your toes or rises into your throat. Those of us living with ADHD certainly knows those dips, don’t we?

FacebookTwitterGoogle+PinterestStumbleUponRedditLinkedInTumblrBookmark/FavoritesDeliciousDiggEmailEvernoteGoogle BookmarksGoogle GmailPrintFriendlyYahoo BookmarksWordPressYahoo MailShare
Read the full article →