Welcome to Gifted With ADD

by Margit Crane Luria

 

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YES! I want goodies! Who doesn’t want goodies?

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punkish guys_2120376Most people think that the reason ADHD children and teens don’t follow rules is because they’re all mavericks and don’t like authority. This is only partially true.

Rules are guides, not controls

ADHD kids don’t hate rules. In fact, they would love to be cooperative. Getting along with your parents feels good. The fact that it may be a struggle does not mean that they’re trying to thwart your efforts. Many parents assume that the point of rules is to have kids behave the way the parents want them to, and so they assume that the rules aren’t working if the kids aren’t obeying. This is actually control, and control creates power struggles. Rules aren’t about controlling kids; rules are guides to behavior. Kids can still refuse to obey or follow the rules/expectations. The trick is to have your consequences built in (In my world, consequences are not punishments; they’re more like results, as in “If you do X, Y happens.” Cause and Effect.

ADHD kids do not like hypocrisy and random parenting

In my practice, the most common mistake I see are parents creating random rules. These can be in-the-moment declarations that burst forth from our frustration or anger, like “That’s it! No more computer use during the week!” Or they may be random in the sense that they just don’t fit your kids or your family. They’re good ideas but not good rules. “Come down for dinner without my prompting you” would be ideal and it would save you time. But will it actually work?

Also, there are rules that we create for our kids but we don’t follow them ourselves. To ADHD kids, this is hypocritical and they will dig their heels in. They’ll fight back or shut down. For example, one family had the rule that kids couldn’t yell in the house but when it was dinner time or chore time, the mom always yelled up the stairs to get her children’s attention. I kept telling her to go upstairs instead of yelling, but she refused. What her ADHD children see is that mom is stubborn and controlling and so they become stubborn and resist being controlled.

Are you yelling at or demotivating your ADHD child?

Yelling is a huge DEmotivator. I mean, think about it – did someone yelling at you or nagging you ever inspire you to greatness? Kids HATE yelling and nagging. It demoralizes them. Kids want to please their parents and knowing that you’re disappointed is painful for them.

Here are some other demotivators:

  • Criticism, insults, put-downs, teasing, sarcasm
  • Anxiety or fear
  • Depression or sadness
  • Hunger
  • Exhaustion
  • Physical pain
  • Previous negative experience

Here’s how to tap into ADHD motivation

Remember this: if you want cooperative ADHD kids and teens, you need to create scenarios that promote love, approval, comfort, freedom, and power. Being told what to do and then being yelled at because we didn’t do it is uncomfortable and kids will feel powerless and unloved.

When you create behavior expectations, make sure that you check in with your children. You can actually see stress and sadness in their faces if a new rule is too hard for their developmental level. ADHD kids are late-bloomers, as you know, and so they may need help or support with rules. One of my clients gets help from his mother when emptying the dishwasher. Obviously he has the ability to do it. It’s not a hard task, but for some reason, this particular task stresses him out. Instead of arguing, day after day, she helps him.

It’s not that big a deal and, trust me, you won’t be helping him empty the dishwasher forever!

If your kids are having trouble, ask them, “What would make this more interesting/fun/easy/comfortable?” Then watch their minds engage and grow!

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— Want more tips like this? Check out “The Behavior Blueprint: 7 Steps to Eliminate Family Power Struggles.”

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— Want to get some customized parenting strategies in 50-minutes? Check out the Discovery Session Phone Consultation. With input from a questionnaire that you fill out beforehand, we discuss your next steps and at least three strategies to take you there. Find out what your family needs to live a more peaceful ADHD life.

xoxoxo,

Margit

Copyright 2015, Margit Crane. All Rights Reserved.

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When My ADHD Goes Haywire, It Takes a Lot to Get Back on Track

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Tweet Pin It   I was diagnosed with ADHD almost 35 years ago, so I’ve had plenty of time to develop coping strategies. At this point in my life, my brain runs pretty smoothly. It have small setbacks but I know what to do or whom to call for help. But last week, my ADHD […]

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Family Coaching | Make Change Work For You

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You’re ready, willing, and able to effect some changes in your family. You want more harmony, more serenity, MORE HUGS! Family Coach Margit Crane shares tips to help you ride the wave of change to a happy and successful conclusion.

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A Creative Way to Manage Fear

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What are you afraid of? Growing old? Failing at your work or at school? Dying alone? Never finding true love? Public Speaking? Raising your teen? Whatever your fear, this exercise will release some of the load (keep doing it for more release) and reveal some stunning insights.

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What Does ADHD Coaching Do That I Can’t Do Myself?

July 22, 2015

I offer individuals and families a sounding board, a support system, and a took-kit of techniques. I can’t imagine having big dreams + AD/HD but not having a coach. All people with big dreams have a coach or a consultant helping them.

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Letting Go Leaves Claw Marks

July 20, 2015

Are there people or experiences in your life that bear the claw marks of your unwillingness to let go? I know that’s true for me and I’m also pretty sure I bear my own claw marks: “Walk away, Margit. Just walk away.” “Noooooooooooooooo, just once more. Just another 10 minutes. Just another month. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!” I often wonder how setting boundaries and letting go can possibly be the correct decisions when they hurt so much.

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It’s Lonely Being Awesome!

July 16, 2015

Those of us who feel we don’t fit in are always trying to change ourselves. It doesn’t occur to us that the world should change. What if all the parents of ADHD kids said, “I don’t know what your life purpose is – you’ll get to figure that out as you get older – but I know you’re here for something important because you have ADHD!”

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Parenting Gifted Children | Gifted Kids Need Special Attention Too

July 13, 2015

Do you have a gifted tween or teen who is underachieving, over-irritating, or both? How can this be? Doesn’t “gifted” imply maturity, responsibility, and high achievement? How is it that they’re making so many “Bozo Moves”? Shouldn’t they know better?

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Depression in ADHD Kids May Look Different

July 9, 2015

Do you know how to identify depression? In kids? What about “episodic depression”? Episodic depression is less pronounced than clinical depression but it’s still confusing for parents and for kids.

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In Learning Is Your Child an Inchworm or a Grasshopper?

July 3, 2015

Great post from guest blogger, Sara Kuhl, M.Ed., Creator of Brain Camp who suggests that about 35% of all students, & probably 99% of ADD/ADHD students are right-brain dominant, kinesthetic learners.

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